The Mix of Missouri's moist air and Illinois' Intense heat always seems to congregate around the Gateway City.
Hot town… summer in the city.
Well, it’s official. The oven known as the St. Louis area is now preheated, and the hottest days of the year will soon be upon us. From now until Labor Day, all citizens are asked to make sure they use the proper sunscreen. Or at least, marinate yourself in some Au Jus sauce, if possible.
With temperatures promising to hit triple digits for days at a time, according to our trusted Farmer’s Almanac forecast, you can expect a heat wave. Yes, a tropical heat wave. But the worst part of our summers isn’t the sun, it’s the humidity that should get all the credit every time you get a case of swamp ass this year.
It’s true. In the Midwest, you will never hear anyone say, “But at least it’s a dry heat”.
Nestled within a series of rivers, lakes, and streams, St. Louis and its surrounding hamlets have conditions that are more like the Amazon than they are Arizona. We are officially the Everglades of the North. It’s almost shocking that we don’t have alligators just wandering the streets downtown… probably asking strangers if they have some spare change.
The combination of extreme heat, the water vapor in the air, and a nice mix of air pollution always makes breathing a chore suring a St. Louis summer. It’s the only place in the world where (on the right day) you might literally gag on the oxygen. That’s because the atmosphere around you is thicker than one of grandpa’s farts after Thanksgiving dinner and a few too many Stag beers.
Those STL solar rays leave behind a special kind of heat. At the same time, this is also the time of year when your car decides that you don’t need air conditioning for at least five minutes when driving. By the time it finally starts blowing cold, you’re so doused in sweat that your clothing has already been ruined for the day.
For some reason, several people choose to get married during the summer months, which makes absolutely no sense. Especially around these parts. The idea of squeezing into a suit or tuxedo to attend is bad enough, let alone standing under some poorly constructed gazebo on a 101-degree day. Along with listening to a long set of nuptials, and the Devil himself possibly conducting the ceremony.
For some reason? Summers now seem much hotter than they were when we were all kids. Maybe global warming is real, or perhaps we’re all just getting softer as we get older.
Either way, I take refuge and rely on one of man’s greatest inventions: air conditioning.
My power bill might be so high that it’s the same as the last four digits in my social security number, but no matter. I’d rather pay a little (or a lot) more to keep cool. Then, I just stare at my window, watch people jogging, and think to myself: That guy’s probably going to die.
At the same time, you can’t remain a heat hermit forever. There are still some great things to do around the city that even a satanic summer couldn’t spoil. Just stay hydrated, and encourage all your friends to wave giant fans at you occasionally - like some kind of Persian king.
So while St. Louis summers can often be brutal, they still have their upside. And the good news is that the kids still have a few weeks to enjoy before they have to go back to school. Maybe you’ll go on a float trip, take a road trip, or just barbecue like crazy through July and August. Before you know it, the three to four weeks of actual Fall weather we get every year will be here soon.
Before you know it, the sun will go away for a while.
Then? It will be time to complain about how cold the winter is.
Ryan K Boman is a freelance writer and the author of the 2023 book, Pop Music & Peanut Butter: A Collection of Essays Looking at Like with Love & Laughter. His previous work has appeared at, MSN, Heavy, the Miami Herald, Screen Rant, FanSided, and Yardbarker. Follow him on X @RyanKBoman